The Effects Of Divorce On Children

Divorcing parents are often anxious about how the divorce will affect their children and for how long. Divorce is a difficult emotional experience for families and its impact can be quite different for parents and children.

Parents are frequently in conflict and their children have little in their life's experience to help them to understand this abrupt change in their lives; what is happening to them and what they can expect for the future.

How Children React to Divorce - Some basic considerations

Children react differently depending on their age and ability to understand and to express and explain how they feel. Children’s reactions will be influenced by the ability of the parents to provide continuing emotional support and a sense of security.
 
Younger children particularly need consistency in their lives and are most seriously affected by its loss. Additionally, they are concerned about the loss of daily contact with parents, the loss of their home, friends, school and familiar patterns.

A "sudden" divorce will also influence a child's reaction, especially if it happens without warning to a child who believes that the family is happy and intact.

How the children are informed about the divorce, what they are told and what they understand can have a significant effect on their reaction. How well or poorly this is done can either reduce or increase their apprehensions and concerns.
 
Recent studies and observations have identified these reactions as typical among children involved in a divorce:

Grief - for the loss of the family they have known and the daily presence of the two parents, familiar in their daily life.Denial - the attempt by the children to convince themselves that the divorce is really not happening- that the problem will just go away. 
Sorrow - the feeling of sadness over the loss of the family.
Depression - when children realize the divorce will happen despite anything they might do to prevent it. Depression can be exhibited by apathy, changes in behavior, emotional ups and downs, changes in eating habits and others. It can last for weeks and months. 
Anger - against the parents for what children perceive as betrayal by those they love deeply and who, they believe, should be able to keep the family intact. They might be angry with themselves believing they are the cause of the divorce. Fear - from not knowing what will happen. 
Bargaining - by seeking to be better children, to improve their conduct, make life easier for their parents.
Acceptance - the realization that the divorce will happen, the family will be disrupted, the life they have know will be changing and that they should prepare for a different life and new family experience.

The divorce experience for people with children is quite different from that for spouses without children.

While a marriage may end, a family continues and a parent is a parent for life. Children expect to continue a loving, happy relationship with both parents after a divorce as before. While they may not understand the reasons for the divorce, they can be very observant and perceptive.

Thus the impact of divorce on children depends very much on how well the parents recognize their children's anxieties and concerns, and the efforts parents make to address these concerns.

The basic requirement for parents is to observe their children closely and to give the extra attention needed to understand the turmoil that afflicts them.

Children come to understand that their parents have a new and different relationship after the divorce. The ultimate impact on the children will be determined by how well the divorced parents manage their new relationships as co-parents rather than a single team of two parents.